Lite Hawke and Fenris: Left Behind
by N7PhoenixFox
Summary: Lite Hawke makes a choice after receiving letter from Varric on the situation with the Inquisition. She must leave Fenris behind, lest she loose him to a mistake she made years before. One-shot.
{Left Behind}

Stroud had given his life for them, the Warden who had trained her brother; Carver and guided from through the tough transition to Warden life. It had been her group who had unleashed the 'Elder One' and others were continuously suffering for her actions, as it had always been.

In the end, it had been the Inquisitors decision, she knew that and yet...she could have persuaded her harder, or just stayed behind with Stroud. No, she knew that would have helped no one. The Warden's must re-build and there had to be someone to support that. While the better choice would have been Stroud, he had wanted to atone for the mistake of the Warden's and he had done that - the price had just been too much.

It should have been her... It should!

"Hawke...," Varric scolded, in a mild and concerned tone. He had taken Stroud's death as hard as she had, but he'd taken it on his shoulders afterwards a lot easier. Hawke had always had trouble letting things go - she would beat herself up until she couldn't stand from the guilt crushing her.

"I know, Varric," she breathed, blinking out of her trance. "I know."

"It was not your fault," he started, but was cut short by her look. He knew she wouldn't believe a word of it and still he tried. He couldn't stand to see her hurt.

Her closest friend signed, "If only Fenris were here. The broody elf always did have a knack for keeping you up right."

The thought of Fenris did little to ease the pain in her chest, if anything it made it worse. It would take a lot of explaining, the way she'd left and the events that had happened during her absence. She doubted he would take any of it well. Lite could just see it, her green eyed elf glowing with rage. But what she'd told the Inquisitor had even correct; he would have died for her, and she'd rather be tortured for centuries than let that happen.

Lite let out a deep and troubled breath before leaning her head to the Dwarfs shoulder. It had been many years since she'd slept soundlessly. It was comforting to rest on the shoulder of someone she cared about for a short while. Varric did not complain, in fact, he reached up and touched her head. His rough, calculus hand gripping her hair.

"I missed you," she admitted. Herself and Fenris had left Kirkwall in an attempt to stem the situation between the Mages. That had meant they'd constantly been on the move, away from friends and the home they'd spend six years creating.

"I missed you too, Lite," he returned, gruffly. It was a voice not many people heard often, without humour or snark. The real Varric.

"Forgive me for interrupting," came a voice that was growing familiar. Lite raised her head to see the Elven Inquisitor.

"Oh, Phoenix," Varric managed a small smile. She could see that her friend had taken to the woman and was glad, he needed good people around him.

The Elvhen woman also attempted a smile, but her eyes were as haunted as Hawke's after the events that had transpired in the last week. "There is someone here to see you, Hawke."

"Who is it?" She frowned.

There were many people after her, some had even once been her friends. Isabella; who'd she'd given to the Arishok to learn that actions had consequences, Sebastian; after she'd allowed Ander's to live in order to protect the Mages he'd condemned - death would have been a mercy for him, one she would not grant and aside from the countless people who'd thought she'd aided the Mage in his insane murder plan was Ander's himself. He'd lost sign of the person he was, perhaps the corrupted Justice had taken over completely and he had grown a dislike for her. Probably because she had condemned her actions, even though she was a Mage. He would believe she was a Templar sympathiser.

"There was a misunderstanding at the Gates, and the guards were called," Phoenix looked apologetic before glancing to the door.

The Commander came in, followed by a lean man cloaked in black. Lite knew immediately who it was, his lyrium vallaslin already glowed a faint blue in his anger. Cullen frowned, a facial expression Lite had seen often in Kirkwall.

"Fenris," she stood up from the bar stool with a start.

The last time she'd seen the man who held her heart had been when she'd left him in the night. They'd found a inn along a muddy path near the coast, it had rained continuously on them for days as they travelled on foot. Fenris had taken her quietness as the weather but it had been the letter she held under her cloak that was plaguing her mind.

She neglected to tell him that she had grown up in Lottering, Ferelden and was used to the rain, deciding it was better to let him think it was simply being cold and wet that was making her unlike herself. It was the kinder option, as she knew the moment she told him she had to leave, he would not let her out of his sights.

They'd found the front of the wooden structure which was swollen by the rain, the door was almost stuck shut. "Allow me," Fenris had smirked with his purr of a voice and with one jog, the door had opened. They had pushed inside to find the inn keeper.

Using two silvers from their pouch of saved money, they booked a room on the top floor, to the side of the inn that allowed a view of the raging Ferelden sea beyond; a mash of deep blues and rich greens. Lite placed her hand on the door knob and peered inside. Fenris came up behind her, their bags and bed rolls collected on his broad back.

"It's lovely," she'd said, with a sad smile. Fenris frowned but she hadn't given him a chance to pry. Stepping into the room, she'd instantly walked to the window and looked out, mesmerised by the crashes of the waves against the rocks.

She heard Fenris close the door behind them and drop their things onto the wooden floor. There was a double bed, covered in dark blue, a table near the window and a chair. It was simple but it was cozy, and for the first time she felt relaxed.

It was a shame she wouldn't be staying.

"Lite," her elf touched her shoulder. She found it hard to look at him or she might crack, instead she kept her white eyes on the waves. "What is the matter?"

After an hour of attempting to persuade him that there was notting a miss, to which every minute made her feel sick from the knowledge she was lying to him, he eventually calmed down enough to stop asking questions. He was strong, powerful but deep down he feared she would leave him, just as she feared losing him. It cut her up inside. There was no other choice however, to save him, she must go alone.

"Are you hungry?" He'd asked her, to which she'd nodded from her place in the chair. He had been counting their remaining coins, being ever so careful about what they spent to ensure they always had enough.

He smiled, "I believe the owners have a kitchen. I will go and see what I can acquire."

"Ask first," she let out a small laugh, to which he chuckled. He stood and started towards the door but paused to plant a kiss on her head. The loving look in his forest green eyes was almost her undoing. She waited until he left the room, the door clicked shut, before she dropped her face into her hands.

He had taken longer than she expected and that had caused her to grow increasingly distressed. Jumping from the chair, she exited their room and straight down the stairs to find him. When she heard voices, she followed them to the kitchen.

There she found the inn keeper and her husband hugged around Fenris, they were fussing around the table where a platter of food lay. Her elf seemed uncomfortable but he remained on the spot, his features a mask. The couple seemed entirely obliviously to his pointed ears or his dangerous aura. Light couldn't keep the warm smile from her face.

The woman clasped her hands together, "Honestly, when you two came inside, I just knew you were meant to be! Such a gorgeous couple. Don't you think it's just lovely, honey?"

The husband grumbled, "As you've already said, Dear." It was a humorous comment filled with love, although he acted as if he were a hardened old man.

Lite laughed, and the three turned to look at her. The elderly woman's eyes lit up as she saw her. "Oh love! Do come in."

"Lite," Fenris started, his eyes boring into her. "Is everything okay?"

She awkwardly came into the kitchen, and smiled as she walked to him, "You were taking awhile, I just came to check up on you."

The elderly woman fluttered around them, "So much love between the two of you! Honestly, it reminds me of myself and my husband here when we were younger."

"Dear," the husband coughed. "I'm sure the youngsters don't want to hear that old story."

"Actually," Lite perked up. "I'd love to hear. Right, Fenris?" She looked up as him, touching his arm. He had the stoney look on his face but his eyes melted to liquid emeralds, only for her.

"For you," he echoed her thoughts.

They sat around the kitchen table, drinking and eating the plater he'd prepared for her. She listened intently the the woman's voice and her stories. Fenris clutched her hand on the table top, not letting her go throughout. It meant she had to eat with one hand but she didn't mind in the slightest.

The woman explained that they no longer got many guests after the Mage rebellion and Light had felt it like a punch to the gut. The couple was lonely, alone out in the wild with family who were too busy to return. They were simply trying to make a living for as long as they could.

After they'd finished up the food, and the candle light had wained, the woman had fussed over them to the stairs. She wished them a goodnight, to which Lite smiled and bowed her head a little. Fenris grunted, to which the elderly woman chuckled. Waving them off.

She was shattered by the time they reached the top floor. Fenris noticed as he always did, and lifted her off the ground before she could complain. She reached to open the door as his hands were taken and he carried her straight to the bed. Going back to close the door, he came back to her without hesitation.

Removing their worn clothes, he slipped into the bed beside her and they clung to one another in the darkness. Lite fell asleep to the sound of the sea and the feel of her loves skin against her.

She had woken up in the early morning, knowing she would find Fenris still sleeping. He had one arm thrown over her, his white hair a mess over his forehead and pillow. The pain in her chest almost chocked her. Ever so lightly, she raised his arm and placed it on the warm bit of bed where she'd been.

From there, she'd dressed, taken her bag and staff and stopped dead in the centre of the room. He lay there, so open and trusting of her and she was taking that truth, his love and crushing it in her own hands.

Her breathing came out in short, sharp breaths and she had to clutch the table to keep from falling to her knees. It had to be done, the wardens were in trouble and he would undoubtedly throw himself into the fire for her over and over again. She couldn't...couldn't handle it.

Steeling herself to the choice she had made, she closed the door as quietly as she could and tip toed town the stairs, hoping that the couple weren't up that early. She'd made it to the main hallway before the elderly woman had caught her. Lite closed her eyes briefly, knowing the look the woman would have.

"Dear, where are you going?"

"It's difficult," Lite explained, her voice breaking. When she looked to the woman, her eyes were on the staff. Yet she didn't run or cry out in fear.

"The war?" She questioned, trying to understand.

"That's part of it, yes," Lite admitted. "He would die for me," she said, after a long, painful pause. "I can't let him..."

"You should not run," the woman began, but then the husband appeared. He seemed tired.

"Leave her be," he told his wife, then looked to her. By now, they both knew she was a Mage. "Do what you have to do."

She stood in the hallway for longer than she should have allowed herself. Even if he never forgave her... At least he would be safe. That's what she told herself.

So she smiled sadly, turned her back on the couple and walked out into the salt tinted air, the rain pounding her hood and her shoulders hunched against her choices.

...

I realise that after what Fenris has experienced that he would be very hurt by Hawke walking out on him but, Hawke has her own problems. Such as what the Fear demon actually points out - she thinks she will get everyone she loves killed, so I doubt she'd be thinking straight when she gets the news from Varric that Corypheus is alive and blew up the Conclave.

Also, I wrote this awhile ago from my first play through in which I had Stroud as the Warden. I thought I'd keep it that way for the sake of not changing it much but my Canon warden is Loghain.

Kenna 'Lite' Hawke | Phoenix Lavellan


End file.
